The #1 Thing my husband and I should be doing (but aren’t)

My husband, Dermot, and I know that there is one thing that we should do together every night before we go to sleep. When we do it we feel more connected. We know it makes us happier and that it actually has the power to shift our perspective on both each other and the world throughout the day.

We know this.

And we are not doing it.

Don’t worry mom-- you can keep reading—I’m not about to share about a big, long sex drought. Because this thing- it’s not sex. Its gratitude.

Gratitude is a powerful thing. It causes us to feel happier , more optimistic and better about our lives . When its shared within couples it not only makes them feel more positive toward each other but it also makes them feel more comfortable expressing concerns about their relationship as well.

In an ADHD relationship, like mine- gratitude has an even greater benefit. Because for most of us, the biggest source of tension are the little day-to-day details. For me it’s the open cabinets, the globs of toothpaste congealing on the sink and the half-done house projects. For my husband it’s the nagging, the lists and the timelines.

Gratitude prompts us to see the other side of things. It prompts us to recognize the good. When we have done this practice in the past, I started to notice that not only was I aware of his good, kind acts when we were sharing them, but throughout the day- I was noting each time he made me breakfast, helped my find my keys or put the kids to bed by himself— so that I could relay them that night.

We felt closer because we were acknowledging our gratitude for each other and because we were sharing things about our day that we were grateful for as well.

So why aren’t we doing it?

Because consistency is hard. It’s hard to keep up a practice or ritual. It takes great frequency to make it routine and until it is routine it requires effort.

Because we are busy and tired. We have 2 kids. We both work. Life is busy and we are tired at the end of the day and sometimes putting in that effort can be a challenge.

Because my goals were too lofty. Anyone who knows me, knows that I can overshoot- if there is something that I think would be good to do, I take it on and go flat out trying to do it all to the maximum capacity. So, I didn’t just say “let’s share one thing we are grateful for with each other”, I said: “Let’s say 3 things we are proud of from the day and 3 things we appreciate about each other and 3 things that we are grateful for in general.” And then, I made the rules: each one has to be specific and you can’t repeat any from previous nights.

That was fine for a few days but it became quite an exercise- there are only so many things that we do or appreciate about each other- when you cant repeat them you start to run out! So pushing through the fatigue to do this thing that felt too hard eventually stopped happening.

But, the gratitude ritual- its good. Really good.

So, we are recommitting. We are going to fight through the fatigue by reminding ourselves and each other the impact that this small ritual can have and we are going to make it smaller and more maintainable. Instead of three acknowledgements, prides and gratitudes we are going to do one top thing from the 3 categories:

· #1 thing we are proud of

· #1 thing we are grateful to the other person to

· #1 thing we are grateful for from our day in general

We will keep the specific rule -because “you are a great dad” doesn’t mean as much as “Im grateful for the giggles I heard from the living room while you were roughhousing with the boys”. But repetition will be okay this time around (because those giggles are totally worth noting each time).

But like all new ritual adoptions we are going to emphasize progress not perfection. We will not do it every night- of that I am sure- there will be sick kids, travel, celebrations and just plain old forgetting that will get in the way. But thats ok- when we realize we didn’t do it, we just get right back to it. No judgement. No feeling like the whole exercise is pointless because we couldn’t do it perfectly. We will just keep trying.

Because it is worth it. Our marriage and our happiness is worth the effort and we will keep trying.

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