Unlocking the Power of ADHD Parenting
Brain-Based Strategies for Successful Parenting with an ADHD Brain
Hey There, fellow parents with wild and wonderful ADHD brains! Today I’m sharing a special sneak peek at a webinar I did with the always brilliant Mattea LeWitt, LCSW, as a joint program with Rittenhouse Psychological Services, all about parenting with ADHD brains.
Because there is a lot out there about parenting for children with ADHD brains. And for good reason- it’s tricky business (a trickiness I’m intimately familiar with!) But parenting when you have ADHD? Well, that’s no less tricky but a whole lot less talked about.
So in this clip, we talk about:
It’s good stuff.
And guess what? There’s even more to learn and enjoy. In fact, can get the full webinar with just one click! So- go ahead- get that understanding and insight and help yourself towards being the parent you want to be today!
Did it? Great.
Not in a watching/ listening place? I’ve gotch- read on to learn all about brain-based strategies for parenting with ADHD.
Ok, let’s get started.
The core difference of ADHD brains and how that difference impacts parenting, both good and bad. Because it is BOTH of those things- ADHD brains carry pros and cons. In fact, research even suggests that children with ADHD, who have parents with ADHD themselves, may have better outcomes. Their differences and similarities impact parenting in great, amazing ways but also in ways that create vulnerability.
So the trick here is understanding the difference and then creating systems and strategies that help protect against the vulnerabilities while celebrating the strength. So, let's take a closer look at these unique brains and explore how they can impact our parenting journey.
At the core of ADHD is the concept of regulation and the different ways that ADHD brains regulate their functioning.
For the basis of comparison. Let's think of a neurotypical brain. If we could peek inside a neurotypical brain, imagine it like a fancy sound studio mixing board. They have all these dimmer switches and faders, allowing them to find the perfect balance. So they have just enough volume to whisper to the person next to them while not being heard by the professor, or they expend just enough energy at their 9 am meeting to still have energy to spare at 3 pm. It's the "just right" state.
But here's the thing – ADHD brains are wired differently. They blow past "just right," landing more naturally in all-or-nothing.
ADHD brains have just as many switches as neurotypical brains but rather than dimmer switches; they are full of on/off switches– going all-in or all-out. They hyperfocus and zoom in intensely on something, or they’re scattered and unfocused. Energy levels can be supercharged and ready to conquer the world, or they can plummet, making it hard to get off the couch. It's a world of extremes that is home to ADHD brains.
These on-off switches affect various aspects of brain function, including attention, focus, action, emotions, planning, creativity, memory, and motivation.
Now, let's explore how these all-in/all-out tendencies relate to parenting in great and difficult ways.
The Benefit of All-In/ All-Off Attention
When ADHD brains bring their all-in attention to children, something magical happens. Kids flourish under that focused attention. I witnessed this recently while on a playground with a friend who has ADHD. As we chatted and she multitasked, her three-year-old approached her. In an instant, I saw her attention switch from off to on. She knelt down, made eye contact, and became completely absorbed in the moment. The child felt seen, held, and loved. That all-in attention is like a beacon of love that all children crave and benefit from immensely.
All-In attention and focus are also known (and loved) as Hyperfocus. And hyperfocus can be the magical state that gets seemingly impossible things done- and sometimes done at hyperspeed. It can also unleash bursts of superhuman productivity, making tasks like organizing a closet, researching a major project, or building the perfect Lego tower a breeze.
And it’s tempting to think that the only good part of All-in/All-out regulation is when it’s on the all-in side. But all-out has benefits too!
All-off attention actually has a huge benefit. An all-off-attention ADHD brain covers a lot of ground and notices things others might miss. My husband, who has a beautiful ADHD brain, is the go-to guy for spotting struggling kids at pool parties. He has an uncanny awareness of what's happening around him, even when seemingly preoccupied. This ability to cover vast territory and gather various details can be incredibly useful.
The Vulnerability of On/Off Regulation for Parents with ADHD
However, there are struggles and vulnerabilities that come with on/off regulation. On-off attention can cause us to miss subtle signals from our children, such as hunger cues or signs of frustration. When we're hyperfocused on something other than our kids or caught up in off-attention mode, we may fail to read their signals and attune to their needs. This disconnection weakens our relationship with them and leaves children feeling unseen and unattended.
So the thing about the pros and cons of this brain difference. Is that we want to embrace and celebrate the pros, but we also want to build strategies to support the vulnerabilities. As we do that, we want to remember that we can't fundamentally change the structure of an ADHD brain. And I believe strongly that even if we could, we wouldn’t want to because ADHD brains possess a unique beauty. Instead, we should work with their natural tendencies and find ways to support areas of struggle.
Undistracted Free Play: An ADHD Brain-Based Connection Strategy
The first ADHD-brain-based strategy is what we call Undistracted Free Play.
This strategy aims to provide children with the focused attention they crave while filling what we call their relationship bucket. The relationship bucket is the container that holds the strength of our connection with our kids. Positive attention deposits fill it up, while everyday demands and conflicts make withdrawals. When the bucket is at or near empty, it becomes very difficult for kids to stay regulated, keep their emotions in check, or meet our many, many demands.
Undistracted free play fills up this bucket helping to regulate children and making it easier for them to meet our expectations.
What is Undistracted Free Play?
Undistracted free play involves short sessions of quality, screen-free time with your kids. These sessions can range from 10 to 15 minutes, adjusting the duration and activity based on your child's age.
Screen Free
I know. Screen-free is tough. Sometimes playing with our kids is boring, and phones are our automatic answer to boredom- not to mention- we have stuff to do! But screen-free is important here. Screens are designed to induce hyperfocus, often without awareness. And that hyperfocus takes the attention away from your child and ultimately defeats the purpose of the activity.
Free Play
Undistracted Free Play is named exactly that for a reason. The play is meant to be free and child-led. This is a chance for you to enter your kid’s world instead of the other way around. It’s a time to allow the child to figure out how they want to spend their time without your input or agenda.
Activities like peekaboo and scarf play are great ideas for younger children. As kids grow into toddlers and younger kids, let them choose the activities while you provide reflective comments that focus on the process rather than passing judgment. For example, instead of saying "That's so pretty," you can say, "You're putting the blue block on the red ones." The goal is to make your child feel seen and connected.
With teenagers, adapt the strategy to suit their interests. Tune into what they like, whether it's shooting hoops, discussing music, or even joining them in playing video games. While video games can be an exception to the no screens rule, ensure there is active dialogue and engagement rather than just being physically present.
Undistracted free play is a powerful strategy to strengthen your relationship with your child, fill their relationship bucket, and provide the focused attention they need. Remember, these short bursts of quality time can have a significant impact on your connection and your child's regulation. So embrace this strategy and discover the wonders it can bring to your parenting journey.
Have you tried undistracted free play? How did it work for you?
Want more insight into supporting the vulnerabilities of parenting with an ADHD brain while celebrating its strengths? Sign up to receive the full webinar for free!